Dealing with Grief

     On June 15th, 2012 my parents sat me down and told me that my Uncle, my dad's older brother, had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. A few weeks later I was told that the brain tumor was cancerous. In January, I found out that my grandfather, my mom's dad, had been diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to his back and throat. I was devastated and I prayed that God would heal them.
     On May 11th, 2013 my dad called me at school and told me that they had given my uncle 6 months. I cried for hours, praying that God would take the brain tumor away. Five days later, my dad called to tell me that my grandfather, who was in the hospital because of pneumonia, was doing poorly and his blood pressure had just dropped. I emailed all my professors to tell them I wouldn't be in classes for the rest of the week, packed my clothes, and went to get gas so that I could drive the 5 hours to my grandparents house. As I was getting gas, my mom called and told me she didn't want me to be on the road. I broke down. I just wanted to be there with my family. I knew there was nothing I could do, but I wanted to be there so badly.
     Over the next few weeks, my parents and I discussed back and forth the merits of me driving up to see my grandfather and the rest of my family, but I never did. The weekend before finals came and my mom told me I needed to come up to see him one last time as soon as I finished my finals Tuesday May 7th because she believed that he wouldn't make it until Saturday the 11th, which was when I planned to move out of my dorm. He didn't make it until Saturday. My Pops passed away May 6th. The last time I saw him was Easter Sunday.
     I drove home two days earlier than I had originally planned to attend his funeral. I missed two of my best friend's wedding and my roommate and multiple other friends' graduation. I spent the weekend mourning my Pops' death and reminiscing about his life. A lot of my dad's family came to offer their condolences to the family, including my uncle. The outing wore him out, but he came anyway. On our way home, my dad, siblings, and I stopped by my aunt, uncle, and cousin's to see them. We stayed for a short time, saw my grandparents, and then drove home.
     Two weeks later, for Memorial Day, we drove up to my grandparents' lake house to help my grandmother open it up without my grandfather. It wasn't easy. My Pops did everything on his own. We didn't know where anything was or how he had always done things. On Memorial Day my dad, one of my sisters, and I had to leave to drive home because I needed to get ready to head to Maryland for my summer nanny job. On the way home, we stopped by my aunt, uncle, and cousins' once again. We had fun. I got to talk to my cousin for a long time and I got to see my uncle again. That was the last time I saw my uncle.
     On May 29th, I flew to Maryland. One week later, my cousin called and said, "He's gone." I cried. I booked a flight to Atlanta for Friday evening after I finished for the day and flew to be with my family. I spent the weekend with my cousin and, for the most part, we joked around like normal. Or as normal as it could be. Yesterday, I flew back to Maryland to continue my job. But it's not over for me.
     I'm grieving. I'm not coping with everything well. I'm 19 years old and, within 30 days I lost two of the most important men in my life. I can't even begin to imagine life without them. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that they are dead. I'm not okay with the fact that the last time I saw my grandfather was a month before he died. Everyone tells me that I was exactly where he wanted me to be, finishing my schoolwork and doing well, but it doesn't offer any consolation. I miss them both more than words can express.
      I hate that my siblings and cousins have lost a grandfather, especially the little ones. I had almost twenty years with him, my baby sister only had five. I hate that my grandmother is alone after 48 years together and that my uncle, aunt, and mother have lost their father. Holidays and weekends at the lake will never be the same. Life will never be the same.
     I hate that my aunt has lost her husband after 22 years. I hate that my 16 and 19 year-old cousins have lost their father before so many important events in their lives. I hate that my grandparents have lost their son. I hate that my uncle and father have lost their brother. But most of all I hate that all of this has happened to my family.
     I said above that I'm not coping well, but I'm coping in the only way I can. Yes, I'm hiding from everything that has happened in things that aren't real. But I have to do so right now. If I didn't, I'd be curled up in a ball on my bed not moving. I have to hide the reality as much as I can so that I can make it through every day. So, to everyone saying that they're worried about me; that's fine. But you don't know what I'm going through right now, so don't say anything. Avoid the subject. Stop telling me you're worried about me and tell me what you did. Make me laugh. Tell me stupid jokes or tease me about my height. That makes me feel thousands of times better than just hearing that you're worrying because I'm not coping the way you think I need to cope. Check up on me every few days and tell me that you love me and care for me. Be willing to help me in small stupid ways. Avoid things that you know are going to frustrate me. Take care of planning things that as a group we should all be working on together, don't make me worry because we haven't even begun planning. Remember that I am female and prone to a roller coaster of emotions on a good day and so much more right now.
     Remind me that things will get better. Pray for me. Pray for my family because this is going to be a long journey for all of us. Skype with me and talk about stupid things. Allow me to text you stupid tv show quotes without me feeling like you're going to get onto me.
     But most of all: Allow me to deal with my grief in the way I think best. There is no one in the entire world who is feeling the way I do. There is no one in the entire world who copes the same way I do. There is no one that knows exactly how close I was to my family. My grandfather and uncle were more than extended family. My immediate family is larger than just the 7 of us who live in a log cabin in Alabama. My immediate family has always included the 7 of us, 4 grandparents, 4 aunts, 4 uncles, and 7 first cousins. And now I'm missing 2 vital men to my life and family unit. My siblings have the same kind of family I do, but even they don't feel the same way I do. I've known my grandfather and uncle longer than any sibling or cousin because I was born first. They held me as a baby. They played with me as a young child. They took me places all throughout my childhood. They let me stay in their houses with them whenever I needed to. My grandfather taught me to ski and would never play games. My uncle was always there for me to talk to. They disciplined me, comforted me, joked with me, and watched me grow. They were present at my High School graduation but will never see me graduate from college or get married. And it's these things that I have to deal with every day.
     So, let me deal with my grief the way I need to deal with my grief. Let me find a way to get up every morning and get through my day without feeling as if I need to curl up and stay there. I'm coping the best way I can right now and I promise, one day, I will get better. But for now, this is how I'm dealing with my grief.

Giving Thanks, Even in the Midst of a Rainy Day

I'm terrible at this, keeping up with blogging, thing. But that's just who I am. It's raining out side right now and I've been griping about it all day. Just a minute ago, it hit me, that's not what God wants from me. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

That's not what I've been doing though. I've been complaining about the rain, the closed for construction library, and the fact that the parking lot is not yet finished behind my dorm so there is mud everywhere and parking is horrendous. Instead of grumbling, I've decided to write a list of things I am thankful for.

1. I am thankful for the rain that waters the grass and trees and brings life to all things.

2. I am thankful for the construction workers that are working to provide the school with space so that new students can attend the school.

3. I am thankful that I will not become poisoned by asbestos while construction commences on the bottom floor of the library, even if it means circumventing the entire building to get upstairs, or vice versa.

4. I am thankful for an amazing English Department that has provided me with a multitude of opportunities and an overabundance of classes I could take.

5. I am thankful for my English professors who convinced me that English really is the right major for me.

6. I am thankful for families of my English professors who are willing to invite English students over to their houses for get-togethers.

7. I am thankful for small children, they ALWAYS brighten my day!

8. I am thankful for a wonderfully supportive family.

9. I am thankful for the opportunity I was given to attend this school, I truly believe this is where I belong.

10. I am most thankful for my friends. Meals spent laughing and blushing. Talks that lead to me getting up the courage to do things I generally wouldn't do. Reading poetry when I just can't understand a thing that was meant. Laughing over trying to correctly pronounce Medieval words. And the making of sandwiches. I am so glad God placed all of you in my life, and I can't wait to see what the next four years hold for me.

God is good and has given me many things. I am so thankful for this and so much more. I want to challenge you today to be thankful when you want to complain. Rejoice in the little God has given you.

Meghan

Bucket List

So, it's been a while since I posted, I know. College life has been, well, busy!! Not to say I'm not enjoying it, I really am, I've just been insanely busy. A lot of conversations I've had with friends over the past month and a half I've been here, have been about bucket lists. I personally don't have a bucket list, yet. So I've decided to sit here, while I impatiently wait for Castle to come on tonight, and come up with a bucket list. Here goes nothing...

These are in no particular order

1. Attend Comic-Con

2. Visit Australia

3. Learn to speak Hebrew, fluently

4. Visit Israel

5. Fall madly in love

6. Meet at least two of the following people (Zachary Levi, Pauley Perrette, Michael Weatherly, Cote DePablo, Yvonne Strahovski, Nathan Fillion, Summer Glau, Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Stana Katic, Bridget Regan)

7. Visit the Grand Canyon

8. Backpack through Europe

9. Take a cruise in the Caribbean

10. Go to Disney World

11. Become a Federal Agent in either the FBI or NCIS

12. Act in either a television show or movie

13. Adopt children from multiple countries around the world

14. Read ten "deep" classics

15. Attend at least three Broadway plays and three different operas, preferably attending all in New York.

This is all I have for now, I'll probably have more later, those will be added in subsequent blog posts.

Later,

~Meghan

Labor Day Weekend

So, tomorrow is Labor Day and the thing I'm most excited about is the fact I don't have Biology!!! :) Closely following though, is the fact that I get to spend the next 24+ hours with my dad's brother and his family, including one of my very best friends, my cousin Morgan!! Originally, they were going to stop by the school, pick me up, and take me out to lunch. Then they realized I was only an hour and half from where they are staying at Orange Beach, and that's how I ended up at the beach until tomorrow!

I love how the holiday's title, "Labor Day" is such an oxymoron. Labor means to work, but Labor Day is a day where most people don't work! I never did understand why that's the way it worked, of course, that didn't keep me from pulling the "but it's Labor Day" card when my dad wanted us to work outside. That's when he always pulled out the "Labor means work" card. I always hated working on holidays when he was home, especially when we had to do school!!!

I definitely had a great day yesterday, doing absolutely nothing, except watching NCIS, ALL DAY LONG!!! I'm serious!! I'm trying to watch all 8 seasons before September 20th so that I can start watching the new season with everyone else. So far, I'm on episode 10 of the third season, meaning I'm moving along pretty fast, I started watching last Friday!

Not sure what exactly we're doing tomorrow, but I'm sure it'll be fun!! Once I get back to the dorm though, it'll be a homework session that'll probably last most of the night :(. Of course, if I finish earlier than I expect to, that'll be okay!!!

I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Labor Day weekend and the start of their shortened school/work week!!

Until next time,

~Meghan Johnston

Philosphers, Enlightenment, Doubt, and Confusion.

My classes today included, Intro to Sociology, Western Civilization Since 1660, Honors Lit, and Acting. Three out of my four classes talked about, wait for it... The Enlightenment!!

The Enlightenment came about with the discoveries that the Earth orbited the Sun, the principles of gravity and inertia, and that sickness was not caused by bad blood. And so came a new style of thinking!!

We had to read Descartes's first two Meditations for my Honors Lit class, it was incredibly difficult to get through, but I did it. The one part I understood was his point of, basically, I think therefore I am (Cogito, ergo sum). But during class today, we went over more of what he had written.

His objective was to show that God truly did exist, but he went about it in a very odd way (at least it's odd in my opinion). He began to doubt, his body, his senses, and soon his very existence. He claimed that everything was an illusion and there was a malignant being trying to trick him into believing he was real, all while even doubting God. This all led up to him saying, "I am--I exist: this is certain; but how often? As often as I think; for perhaps it would even happen, if I should wholly cease to think, that I should at the same time altogether cease to be." In layman's terms, I think therefore I am.

On a side note, he used really long sentences in his Meditations, sentences that were about 10 times longer than they should have been!!!

All this added together lead to a lot of confusion from me, but I'm hoping that as this semester goes on, I will become better at understanding what it is all these Philosophers and Theologians were trying to say!!! I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

On a lighter note, my Pretty Little Liars mid-season finale party was fun!!! Me and three other girls all sat in my dorm room watching the finale and talking about what we thought had just happened or was about to happen. Let's just say that January seems really far away right now!!! Also, we have all decided, these three girls, my roommate, and myself, and other girls on our hall if they want to come; that we are going to go see the movie Abduction when it comes out, probably the weekend after. We're going to dress up, go to Olive Garden, and go see the movie!!! It's gonna be a BLAST!!!!

At the moment I think I have one follower to my blog, thanks Shelby for following!!! I hope that you get something out of my ramblings on Descartes. I can only post so much on the blog specifically for the Honors class, especially since I'm kinda scared to post my thought where my ENTIRE class can see how greatly uneducated I really am!!

With a great dislike for the Biology class I have to attend tomorrow, I will now sign off!!

Thanks for reading,

~Meghan Johnston

Who am I?

This is a question I DESPERATELY hope will be answered during my four years here at the University of Mobile located in Mobile, Alabama. Of course, I obviously know a few things about who I am, like my name, age, weight (which I will NEVER tell you), height, year in college, etc. But there are many things I don't know about myself yet, one of those things, is Who I am in Christ, and I am desperately searching for that answer.

As of this moment, I have to get up for my first class of the day, Intro to Sociology, in about 6 and a half hours, and I don't do well with very little sleep, so right now, I'm going to tell you who I am from the information I already have.

Name: Margaret Anne Johnston, though I really prefer being called Meghan!!!

Age: 18

I'm a Freshman, with about 19 hours already under my belt thanks to Dual-Enrolling during high-school. I will probably consider myself a Freshman until next August, when I will be beginning my second year of school; hence, I'll then be a Sophmore. (Did I just use hence in the right context?)

I'm a Sociology major, my concentration is in Criminal Justice. Bet you can't guess what I want to do with my degree :). In all seriousness, I want to become a Homicide Detective for the Police before one day, hopefully, going to work at a Federal level as a Special Agent either for the FBI or NCIS. (Don't tell my dad though, he'd think it was great that I wanted to work for the Navy. Even though technically I wouldn't be under Naval employ.)

I am a Christian, though I have been having problems figuring out exactly what I believe. Not that I doubt anything the Bible says, just that I am trying to figure out exactly how to apply it to my life.

I am a TV fanatic!!! Give me the name of a really good television show, something with suspense, the supernatural, or Law Enforcement, and I will be hooked within two episodes. Then I'll watch every episode of the show that has aired and become just as rabid a fan as any of the shows other fans. Chuck, Pretty Little Liars, Bones, Castle, The Lying Game, White Collar, Psych, and NCIS are the shows I'm currently hooked on, and I've only JUST started watching NCIS.

I can't think of anything else to say, and I kinda need to go to sleep so I can get up and make it through 6 1/2hours of classes tomorrow! There is one thing to look forward to tomorrow, my Pretty Little Liars mid-season finale party in my room.

If you read this, thanks!!

Meghan Johnston